Carpool drop off

My daughter's school started at the crack of dawn! If she rides the bus, she has to be dressed, fed, and waiting outside by 6:10. I think this is insane both for her and myself! (Who has time to brush their teeth and toast pop tarts that early in the am?!?) So our only other option was carpool line. The kids and I would pile into the car and head out on our 1 mike adventure to school. Now, as I said, I don't like mornings, especially early mornings. I would normally wake up, throw on some sweat pants, coax my medusa hair into a ponytail and head out the door. However, my laziness was abruptly brought to a screeching halt when I saw the other moms in carpool line. They were fully dressed, hair and makeup done and ready for their day. I didn't want to embarrass my baby, so I conceded and joined the "popular" group by getting ready before school. 

One night after work, a few of my co-workers went out for drinks. I joined them  even though it was a school night and even stayed out late! I was home by midnight but that's a good hour and a half later than this grandmaw mommy normally makes it. Anyway, add a slight hangover to already treacherous mornings and you have a not so happy mommy who just wants to crawl back in bed! I gave into temptation that day and knew I would get away with "sneaking" through the carpool line unnoticed. We pulled up, an ever so eager student opened the back door to let Hailey out and I heard a clank. The student leaned over and I saw her face change. It was a face I was familiar with but couldn't place at that exact moment. She placed something in my backseat and looked at me politely saying with a slight giggle, "have a good day!" Her eyes had wandered to my console while she said it so I looked down to see what she was looking at. 

Wine glasses, damnit! How did I miss those and what idiot friend of mine put them in my console? So I peered into the backseat to see what she placed back in my car. An empty wine bottle! Double damnit! It then dawned on me what the look on that innocent student's face was that was so familiar to me...it was the face of judgement!! I had just driven through carpool line at a Cathoiloc school looking like 30 shades of a hot mess, with wine glasses in my console and an empty wine bottle fell out of the car while dropping off my 3rd grader!

All of my time and effort of trying to not embarrass my child had just been catapulted out the window with a single clank! 

That was the day we decided to stop saving for college and start saving for therapy bills! It just seems more realistic!

Oh baby it's Christmas!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, EVERY creature was stirring and you couldn't hear a mouse if you wanted to! We had a fun filled day jammed packed with food, crafts, activities, presents and visitors. Between the kids' sugar highs and anticipation for Santa coming, they couldn't contain themselves! Deuce literally went into super excited freak out mode and was eating wrapping paper. If we could get their energy levels down just a little, like that of a jack Russell puppy, we may be able to get them to sleep. Ha! Fat chance! We attempted to put out presents in between servicing the needs of water breaks, bathroom breaks, tummy aches, and the occasional, "he/she hit me, is hogging all the covers, keeps farting," etc. We finally finished around 1:30 am and climbed into bed exhausted and delirious. It didn't take long for both of us to pass out. BANG! That's what we got to wake up to. Our bedroom door was slung open and our youngest screaming, "it's Christmas!" I looked at the clock... 1:45. We explained it wasn't Christmas yet and put him back to bed. Again, we fell asleep. I next time I woke up to the covers being slowly pulled back and our daughter crawling into bed asking, "is it Christmas yet? Did Santa come?" I looked at the clock...2:05. We again explained that it was not time to get up and it was time to go to back to bed. They alternated coming into our room over the next hour until we finally gave up. My husband got out of bed and said whenever the next one gets up, it'll be Christmas. We can open presents and go back to bed. So, we waited...and waited...and waited. NOW they were ready to sleep!!! Oh no!!! Not now! Not after we've been trying to sleep for hours and they wanted it to be Christmas! 

So, we did what any delirious, sleep deprived parent would have done in that situation, we woke them up! Well, it wasn't so much of a wake up as it was dragging each of them out of beds while they whined how tired they were. Were they kidding?!?! Was this a sick game to try and drive us nuts?!? 30 minutes prior they were bright eyed and ready for the day to start but NOW they wanted to sleep?!? Nope! Not happening!! We finally did get them out of bed and we have great pics of them sobbing as we lead them down the hallway into the living room. Little did we know, the fun had only just begun for us as now we faced the challenge of putting all the new toys together that they received. 

I'm including my facebook post from Christmas morning, remember I was TIRED! VERY tired!! Lol. 

"OMG!! Been up since 3:30 and neither Olin nor myself could figure out this stupid ferby boom and iPad app. Let's just say several Christmas f-bombs have been thrown out along with threats of microwaving and boiling this little gremlin wanna be!! 2.5 hours later and we finally got this neglectful piece of digital crap to hatch it's eggs and Hailey is as happy as can be. On the other hand, Olin and I are VERY sleep deprived and if they had a ferby CPS, we would turn "may boo" in without a second thought! Merry Christmas!"

It's a blurry picture but you can see the aggravation on the little one's face. 

I had to stay back so they wouldn't go get back in their beds. 😊🎄🎅🎁

We just needed groceries

I took my children to a local grocery store and after about an hour of getting the things we actually needed while simultaneously sneaking things back on the shelves that our clepto toddler placed in the basket; we headed to the checkout. It was unusually quiet in the store and the elderly couple in front of us were obviously stockpiling groceries for hurricane season...for the rest of their lives!! As always, the natives got restless while waiting to help put the groceries on the belt. Now, most grocery stores have impulse purchase items stocked next to the registers, I don't know why they feel the need to have batteries, lighters, breath mints, and tampons all lined up in a row but to each his own. This particular day the store had a large quantity of razors on the shelf and I saw my daughter looking intently. (Warning: this is more personal info than anyone needs to know!!) She proceeded to turn around and loudly ask, "mommy, how come when daddy's home you shave (as she asks this she has her hand open and is swirling it in a circular motion around my crotch region) and when he's gone you don't shave anything?" 

What do you do at this point? Is there ANY answer you can possibly give that won't draw anymore attention to your crew of misfits? Here is a child who can't remember that she has to brush her teeth every morning but now all of the sudden she knows the intimate schedule of my "personal maintenance!" And better yet, shares it with the entire grocery store!!! I did the only thing I could think of and left the basket, grabbed each kid by the hand and did a mommy's version of the walk of shame!

A quick trip to the department store

Imagine you walk into a store...

There is a woman with a cart and she has a little boy in front and a young girl at her side. Things seem sweet and innocent. She leans over to look for a shirt in a certain size. The little boy unbuckles himself, reaches over and grabs a hanger. The little girl is whining LOUDLY asking for a snack as her mom is busy rummaging through shirts. The little boy says, "mommy watch." He proceeds to shove the hanger up his nose and his sister starts hysterically laughing and starts popcorn farting. The little boy is now hysterically laughing and jumping up and down in the shopping cart seat. The sister suddenly stops laughing and her face changes...she says, "mommy, I just went poo poo a little". The little boy starts screaming, "POO POO!!!!! Sissy went POO POO!!! P U, sissy stinky!!!" The little girl bursts into tears. The mom quickly rushes the kids towards the bathroom as the little boy uses the hanger to claw and knock over everything in their path while still screaming at the top of his lungs that his sister just crapped herself. 

Your planned day of shopping fun can go very wrong in a just a few minutes. Plan ahead!! NEVER leave the house without a bottle of wine and a set of extra clothes for the kids. 

For the love of God...

As many parents of toddlers have tried, we decided our son was old enough to understand how to behave in church. So being the dumb morons that we are, we brought him to church with us. The service started out as usual with hymns and readings and I watched my son scanning the church looking for some type of entertainment; none was to be found. What do all toddlers do in this situation? They make their own! I quietly whispered through a make shift smile and gritted teeth, "son, whatever you're thinking about doing; DON'T!" A little preventative encouragement never hurt anyone. We stood up for the gospel and off he went! Down the aisle, through the roped off section designated for someone that wasn't us. (Side note: I still don't know who these pews are "reserved" for as nobody ever sits there but nonetheless they are roped off like a museum exhibit every week) I chased him as he giggled with content that mommy was squeezing through a crowd of people trying to catch him. I finally managed to silently draw him into a game of "chicken," grabbed him up and headed back to our pew. A few boxes of Cheerios later and things were going well. Now, it was time to kneel. To most a kneeler is a reminder to get on your knees out of respect for the presence we are in, or as a sign of humbleness, or even repentance but not to our child. This is a cool gadget that everyone got to slam on the ground and make noise with when mommy said we have to be quiet. The wheels started turning in that warped little mind and now he had a new toy to play smash the man's toes whose sitting on side of us. Up and down, up and down, up and down he went. I grabbed him up again while apologizing to the man on side of us and scolding the little sadist again through gritted teeth and internally apologizing to God for the choice words running through my head while in church. But it was almost over, all we had to do now was kneel one more time, then communion and we were out of there! Down the kneelers went and the havoc wreaking monster was occupied with the hymnals. I looked up at the altar and before my arm could go out to grab him, off he went again! This time he was standing on the pew running with a hymnal in each hand, smacking the people on his left in the face and the ones on his right in the back of the head. At this point, I couldn't even chase him because I was in a dress and that would require me to crawl across the pew and flash my not so goodies to the entire church community! All I could do was sit and wait for him to come back. It was a VERY long time before he chose to do so as he knew the punishment for this latest antic was probably going to be bad. He tried giving me his sweet and innocent smile but when that was ignored, out came his apologies and sad face. I immediately walked him to the back of the church and waited for the mass to end. As with most communities, the priest exits first and greets everyone as they leave. This was my worst nightmare after the chaotic events that had taken place. We waited in the line and when it was our turn to exit, I hung my head in hopes that we could just slide out without confrontation. The priest smiled at me as he gently took my arm into his hand and whispered, "God won't be mad if you miss a few Sunday's in the future." 

City Park dysFUNction

"Let's go to City Park and ride the rides," my innocent children said.  Being the naive mother that I am, I made arrangements to have a destination playdate with another family.  We all piled into the car and off we went.  The day started out fun with super slide rides and climbing through mazes but then came the kiddie cars. My son wanted to ride the cars so badly but the attendant said an adult had to ride with him.  Now, this seemed like a simple task as the back of the truck was open and we could have both fit easily into the ride.  However, as all 3 year old boys who are inticed by the magical truck ride would be, my son wanted to "drive." Remember, this ride is designed for CHILDREN! The front is enclosed and the only way I could get in was to go "butt first" and kind of shimmy inside. Oh!!!!  The humiliation of that 90 second ride that felt like an eternity. I thought it would never end and that the worst was over...no no!! It had only just begun! I then had to get out.  The best way I can describe the "situation" is the scene from Ace Ventura when he is trying to escape from the mechanical rhino...there was a lot of grunting and maneuvering to get my fat behind out of this midget clown mobile but nonetheless; I made it.  I may have had a concussion and bruises in places that God NEVER intended them to be BUT I did it for my child's happiness.  He better appreciate this aforementioned dedication to his happiness because I promise I will bring this up for years to come!! And before any smarty pants ask, YES, there was a kind soul there who was more than eager to document this event and take pictures but I will not post them.  Mostly because I was making vulgar finger gestures in the most inconspicuous ways I could being that I was on a kiddie ride but also because I will not give anyone the pleasure of seeing me look like Godzilla playing at a Polly Pocket amusement park! 

A Typical Day

Let me start by saying, this truly is the norm at our home. I don't know how I got so "lucky" to be blessed with this goofy crew that I call my family but nonetheless; I got them. 

I woke up to my son's behind in my face and him ripping a fart that would put grown men to shame while he screamed, "how ya like that? Oh yea!"

After I regained consciousness and unsuccessfully attempted to retrieve my sense of smell from my burned nasal passages; I headed to the bathroom to get in the tub. After a few minutes, I heard some commotion in the living room. Not uncommon in our house...but this one was different. I could hear the dog scampering and my son giggling, so curiosity took over and I got out to see what was up. As I walked down the hallway, I saw my son running around completely naked and before I could even speak, I felt myself starting to slide. As I hit the ground propelling towards the bar, I got a clear visual of what was happening. He was trying to pee on the dog! He was running all over the house, peeing on EVERYTHING, trying to get some on the dog. That's also when it hit me, the floor wasn't wet this morning. Yep, I was on my son's personal urine slip n slide. Back to the tub I went! 

I had enough time to finish bathing when again, I heard something in the living room. This time it sounded like our dog running for her life!  A few seconds later, here comes the dog running full force through the bathroom door and right into the tub with me. She looked like something from a southern decadence parade! She was every color of the rainbow. Obviously, Deuce had found the sidewalk chalk and decided that our predominantly white pup, needed a little color. I got out of the tub again to take the chalk away and now bathe the dog. Our son and daughter came into the bathroom at this point to see what's going on as our dog hates to be bathed and was causing quite a commotion. Our daughter apparently picked up on the fact that I was about to lose it and belted out her beautiful version of "let it go." However, it sounded more like a cat in heat and the dog darted out the room. As she ran, she knocked our son over causing him to hit his head on the door frame. He, of course, started screaming. I picked him up to comfort him and check out his latest head injury but I heard a sound coming from beside me. It was our daughter...gagging! I didn't understand why until I pulled our son's head from my shoulder and the string of snot he had created while sobbing was hanging from his nose to my hair. Before I could tell her to turn away, I felt the splash of vomit on my leg and foot. So, back in the tub we went...

Just a typical morning in our house, so the moral of this story is...don't judge your co-workers who show up drunk at 9am, you have NO idea what they've been through already!