2014 Christmas Card

After several unsuccessful attempts to get our Christmas cards printed, we just gave up and put it online. So here it is (with a heavy heart due to the incompletion.)

Did someone say WRECK the halls??

Merry Christmas!!

Here we go again...

It's kind of funny that I just posted about this very subject last week! I always think my plans are fool proof until my fool of a husband proves me wrong! Deuce had his Christmas program at school today, so I laid out his clothes. The school requested he wear red and green so I bought a red undershirt and a green plaid button up to wear on top. When I got to his school for the program, my little man looked like this:

When I asked my husband what he was thinking when he dressed him; he responded, "I thought you were going for the 'preppy' look, you know with the collar coming out of the sweater." 

Wow! I informed him that the shirt was an undershirt not a sweater vest and of course all he could do was laugh at himself. So once again one of our children looked like a goober, unbeknown  to him, on a special day and mommy has learned another lesson. NEVER EVER let the kids walk out of the house without approving an outfit!

I won't even get started on the tennis shoes he wore instead of his cute little boots!!

Dysfunctional Daddy

Choosing to be a nurse can be very rewarding but also has its downsides, as most professions do. The biggest downside for me is having to work some weekends and Holidays. Unfortunately, I have to miss family gatherings, birthday parties, etc to go to work and take care of other people's family members on these special days. With that said, I try to make arrangements in advance so our kids can have the best time possible. My husband is a great dad and spouse, he does his best to remember the small details that matter to me but in the end; he's still a man and isn't detail oriented. When the kids have a birthday party on a day I'm scheduled to work, I get the present in advance and make sure it's wrapped, lay their clothes out so they don't look like they're sporting a homeless chic fashion trend, and make sure he knows the time and address of said party. Pretty self explanatory for him, right?

Nope! Not in our house!

 I went to work with confidence knowing that over the years I had perfected my plan for birthday party days. I had learned that wrapping presents, in appropriate themed paper, was not a given. We had the baby shower themed birthday party wrapping incident of 2007. He said it looked "kiddie" because it had teddy bears on it. He failed to notice the pink and blue rattles and "Baby Shower" written on the side! I had learned that allowing him to pick out an outfit for Hailey wasn't always the best decision. The one and only time I allowed that to happen, he dressed my little girl in a baby blue velour track suit that had huge red roses sewn on it and put a neon purple onesie underneath. When I asked what possessed him to dress her in that, he said it was hanging in the closet with the tags still on it so he thought it was special. It was special alright! It was hanging in there for the special day when we decided to take her mud riding and then use it to start a bon fire afterwards! I had learned that leaving the house for a birthday party didn't mean that he knew where he was going or that bringing the invitation just in case he needed the phone number was also not always a given. I had learned so many lessons and knew this time would be disaster free. 

I came home from work, excited to find out how the party went. Since I work 12 hour shifts and get home late, Hailey  was usually ready for bed when I walked through the door. But to my surprise, she was still running around in her party dress. I asked my husband if they got home late and he said they didn't. I asked if we had somewhere to go and he said we didn't. So I asked why she wasn't ready for bed. He looked at me with a strange expression on his face and looked over at her, then back at me and said, "she is." This answer left me confused so I asked him what she wore to the party. I shouldn't have asked! He went to the dirty clothes pile and dug out a shirt and pants, held them up and said, "These! You had them laid out for her to wear. I'm not dumb, I put her in what you had out." My response was not the nicest thing I've ever told him by far! It went something like, "Well, Mr. NOT dumb, THOSE are her pajamas!!! Those were for after the party."  He tried to defend his thought pattern saying that he thought the dress was a nightgown and that I had pants laid out so it would be easier for her to play and some other ridiculous  nonsense. I stopped listening because I couldn't believe that my foolproof plans were again, proven by a fool to not be foolproof!

Needless to say, I've kind of given up! If you invite my kids to a party, please know they may show up 3 hours late to a pool party in snowsuits with an over the hill gift bag. I apologize in advance; it's just who we are!

You had ONE job...

As most mothers do, I try to make our kids' actual birthday as special as I can. They have parties where they celebrate with friends and family but their actual birthday is something we celebrate only with our immediate family. However, this year I decided that in addition to our family celebration, I would send breakfast and a snack to school for our little man's special day. 

The day started out with a special breakfast for the birthday boy. Usually based on whatever their favorite food is at the time, this year was doughnuts. He was really into Superman and Team Umizoomi and when I found a place that was willing to accommodate my request; I was ecstatic! However, as most perfectionists have encountered, I wasn't thrilled with the end result. 

Not too bad...but if I could cook, my crazy make it perfect self would've kicked into gear. Oh well! Deuce liked them, so we will say it was a success!!

I had a shirt made for him to wear to school:

Next came his birthday dinner. We went to a few different pizza places with a photo and an idea to see who was willing to accommodate us. We found one and when we ordered pizza for dinner, to Deuce's surprise, Superman sent him a very special birthday pizza. 

Again, the "S" was little blurry but it got the job done! Up next, dessert...

I'm far from a cook, as I've written about several times before this post. I try but usually unsuccessfully! I was super proud of my homemade cupcakes that I free handed trying to accommodate our son's interest of the year. He was happy which made us happy...

I actually managed to make both kids happy by incorporating Superman and a Frozen theme. 

Last item on my list was making sure he opened presents that he would love:

Nailed it!! 

Now, I gave my husband ONE job! ONE JOB!! All he had to do was approve and pick up the cookie cake. I called ahead and made sure they could design what we wanted, I verified exactly what it needed to say, how to spell everything, what date it was needed, etc. So imagine my surprise when my husband sent me this picture of what he dropped off at school...

Who the hell is "Dence?" Our child's name is Deuce! The one thing on the cake I would hope he would definitely know how to spell...he didn't! Wow! Really? 

I try to be patient, I try to be understanding, I TRY not to freak out over the little things in life but not realizing that our child's NAME was spelled incorrectly sent me over the edge! There was A LOT of yelling and profanity, followed by laughter and apologies for my reaction but in the end we have yet another story to tell and another lesson learned (before my husband leaves the cake shop, send a picture for a second approval, lol) and the memories of our sweet "Dence's" 3rd birthday will always be with us. 

The stories behind our 2013 Christmas Card, Part 3

The final installment of our 2013 Christmas card explanation starts with the overwhelming anxiety that engulfs me every holiday season. Due to the fact that New Orleans is a culture significantly based on food, when the holidays roll around most people are ready for delicious food. I CAN'T provide that! I was raised in a family of women with a sub par track record for cooking success. To give a better idea of what I mean that my mother wasn't the best cook: I was born on the 12th of the month, brought home on the 13th, and was forced to relocate after an unfortunate toxic fire on the 15th. Apparently my mother didn't know that plastic baby bottles should not be warmed in the microwave for an extended amount of time. There was also an electrical fire, another baby bottle incident on the stove, and when she got a new stacked  "double" oven she didn't realize there was a protective plastic wrap on the top of the bottom oven and a simple preheating turned into a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation type of disaster. 

I have personally only set the kitchen on fire 4 or 5 times; however, my husband continues to insist that HE should cook the Holiday meals to keep the premium on our home owner's insurance to a minimum. Nonetheless, we learned on Thanksgiving day 2013 that not all accidents occur just when I'm cooking, they also occur when I'm in the kitchen! My cooking issues caused my anxiety to be at an all time high so we got a babysitter and went out for mommy and daddy drinks on Thanksgiving Eve. We rolled home in the wee hours of Thanksgiving morning and I had enough liquid courage to enter the kitchen to attempt to "enhance" our holiday meal. I added some spices and went to bed. 

Throughout the night, I had a horrible pain in my elbow but continuously rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up to discover this Thanksgiving surprise:

I leaned over the stove to try the potatoes and burned my arm on the stove. It didn't hurt at the time but the next morning was an entirely different story. 

So, our 2013 Christmas card consisted of exactly what our year had brought us. 

"The Hermanns got run over by a reindeer, side swiped by a sleigh, and roasted over an open fire!"

We hope your Holiday season brings you happiness and fun and pray ours leaves us free from injuries and ER visits!

The Stories behind our 2013 Christmas Card, Part 2

My husband is the most accident prone person I know! Seriously! I have NEVER met a man who can injure himself as much as he manages to do. Let me help you understand what I'm trying to explain. A few years ago he somehow flipped a bucket truck, while he was in the bucket, and fell 30 feet down. The end result was a shattered calcaneus. He was on crutches for about 3 months. Less than 6 months later, on his birthday, he was stomping around the attic and got his foot stuck between 2 of the beams. He lost his balance, fell backwards, crashed through the ceiling and wound up with a tib/fib fracture. This one required a couple of surgeries, a few weeks in a wheelchair, and another 3 months on crutches. Fast forward a few years and a couple of dozen injuries and we get to 2013. To be exact, his birthday in 2013. 

He went to work early that morning and around 10 am, I received a text. "I'm on my way to the hospital, I'm fine but I hurt myself." I don't know why I didn't immediately realize that this was not a "little" accident, after all it involved MY husband. I asked a few questions and  discovered that a hydraulic torque wrench slipped off of the bolt and hit him in the face. I asked him to send me a picture of the damage and this is what I received:

Sorry for the grainy picture, I can't find the original. 

Yep! That's his idea of a "little" accident! A busted lip, front tooth removed, and (we later found out) a fracture to his jaw. 

After a few surgeries, stitches, implants, and a permanent replacement; he is as good as new. Well, maybe not as good as new but equivalent to his pre birthday accident self.

 Now we just await the next self inflicted "accident" to occur so we can start a new chapter in his injury book. 

The stories behind our 2013 Christmas card, Part 1

A child's "firsts" are always so special to parents. It's even more special when the child becomes a toddler and understands when he/she has done something without help for the first time. The excitement in their eyes and the smile on their face can make a parent's eyes fill with tears of joy. NOT IN OUR HOUSE!!

Our son, or who I lovingly refer to in situations like this as "my husband's child," was getting ready for a bath and decided to be a big boy by taking his own shirt off. After a few minutes of him squirming around looking like the imposter sign language person during Obama's speech at the Nelson Mandela Memorial, he managed to get it off. He beamed with pride and giggled uncontrollably! I failed to notice that he didn't remove the arm holes from his hands and when he began jumping around, in what I can only assume was a victory dance, he managed to drop his hands down (with the shirt still looped on his hands) and trip over his shirt causing him to face plant into the toilet. 

Cheers of victory turned into Texas Chainsaw Massacre screams!

A picture message to the pediatrician to confirm what was needed and off to the ER we went. 

Now, let me back up 2 days. I had a function to attend and left the kids home with a babysitter. The babysitter called while I was out to tell me that Hailey had fallen off of her bike and had some scratches but was ok. I said ok and left it alone but when I got home I saw the damage. I asked bugs what happened and she said, "Last time I fell off my bike, the handle bars got messed up. So this time I protected my bike and just let my face hit the ground." With that little prior event in mind, THIS is what I'm walking into the ER with:

No surprise that after we were triaged, the MD came in and asked my daughter, "wow! What happened to your brother?" I started to answer but was abruptly stopped and told, "I asked her, not you." I, of course, realized what was occurring at this point. Hailey cheerfully told the story while giggling at her brother's inherited clumsiness (he gets it from his father's side!) and the MD then asked what happened to her. She told her tale of protecting her bike with her face, through innocent smiles and a little blushing from embarrassment. The MD then proceeded with his exam of Deuce. As he was leaving, he smiled and said, "Looks like you have your hands full. Sorry, if I was abrupt before but I hope you can understand that when someone brings in a toddler looking like that and then his sibling follows looking just as bad...we have to question some things." I told him I understood and he smirked while telling me that he could foresee several ER trips throughout the next few years and to make sure we always have lots of triple antibiotic ointment and bandages at home. 

This was the final result of our week:

A week after this picture, we were at Academy and I found a way to make sure Deuce was as "safe" as I could make him: