For the love of God...

As many parents of toddlers have tried, we decided our son was old enough to understand how to behave in church. So being the dumb morons that we are, we brought him to church with us. The service started out as usual with hymns and readings and I watched my son scanning the church looking for some type of entertainment; none was to be found. What do all toddlers do in this situation? They make their own! I quietly whispered through a make shift smile and gritted teeth, "son, whatever you're thinking about doing; DON'T!" A little preventative encouragement never hurt anyone. We stood up for the gospel and off he went! Down the aisle, through the roped off section designated for someone that wasn't us. (Side note: I still don't know who these pews are "reserved" for as nobody ever sits there but nonetheless they are roped off like a museum exhibit every week) I chased him as he giggled with content that mommy was squeezing through a crowd of people trying to catch him. I finally managed to silently draw him into a game of "chicken," grabbed him up and headed back to our pew. A few boxes of Cheerios later and things were going well. Now, it was time to kneel. To most a kneeler is a reminder to get on your knees out of respect for the presence we are in, or as a sign of humbleness, or even repentance but not to our child. This is a cool gadget that everyone got to slam on the ground and make noise with when mommy said we have to be quiet. The wheels started turning in that warped little mind and now he had a new toy to play smash the man's toes whose sitting on side of us. Up and down, up and down, up and down he went. I grabbed him up again while apologizing to the man on side of us and scolding the little sadist again through gritted teeth and internally apologizing to God for the choice words running through my head while in church. But it was almost over, all we had to do now was kneel one more time, then communion and we were out of there! Down the kneelers went and the havoc wreaking monster was occupied with the hymnals. I looked up at the altar and before my arm could go out to grab him, off he went again! This time he was standing on the pew running with a hymnal in each hand, smacking the people on his left in the face and the ones on his right in the back of the head. At this point, I couldn't even chase him because I was in a dress and that would require me to crawl across the pew and flash my not so goodies to the entire church community! All I could do was sit and wait for him to come back. It was a VERY long time before he chose to do so as he knew the punishment for this latest antic was probably going to be bad. He tried giving me his sweet and innocent smile but when that was ignored, out came his apologies and sad face. I immediately walked him to the back of the church and waited for the mass to end. As with most communities, the priest exits first and greets everyone as they leave. This was my worst nightmare after the chaotic events that had taken place. We waited in the line and when it was our turn to exit, I hung my head in hopes that we could just slide out without confrontation. The priest smiled at me as he gently took my arm into his hand and whispered, "God won't be mad if you miss a few Sunday's in the future."